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ID: 6159
The Onion
@theonion.com
Jul 4, 06:18 AM
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
🎤 Whisper Transcript (en)
⏱ 58s
"So the first thing we did was we taught in patterns like red block, blue block, green block over and over. Then it became a pattern of gorilla born, gorilla grow, gorilla die over and over. The researchers then showed Quigley photographs of dead, dying gorillas while communicating the phrases you someday and no choice. Quigley you die. You will die soon. The researchers say at first Quigley could only communicate rudimentary fears about his own death. But he soon moved on to expressing more complex emotions, like indifference and self-hatred. And just two days ago, Philip Townsend and his colleagues even witnessed what they believed to have been a panic attack in Quigley. He was letting out these anguished cries and banging his head against the wall and I just thought we did it. The Tulane scientists believe that we may be able to teach a gorilla to resort to alcoholism or even try to kill itself in as little as a decade."
💬 Discussion
The Onion
@theonion.com
· Jul 3, 05:05 PM
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">twelvepastfourteen</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@twelvepastfourteen.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 07:55 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">i die tomorrow.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">TransplantedSconnie</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@transplantedsconie.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:16 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Lmao. I need this laugh, thank you onion.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Cajun AF Team Normal</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@cajunasfuck.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:13 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Is this about Alex jones?</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Dr. Nguyen Van Thoc</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@drnguyenvanthoc.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 07:59 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">This will never not be funny</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">DougieLombax🩷💜💙 (Dougie/Adrienne/Zeek/not my real name) 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🇮🇪🇦🇲🇺🇦</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@dougielombax.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 4, 06:35 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Darwin’s Radio (1999) - Greg Bear.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">🦊 🩵🐦⬛ Fox &amp; Crow, for Bartleby Endeavors 🎥</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@foxy99.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:08 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Can Gorilla Estate Planning be far behind?</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">aarch0x40.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@aarch0x40.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:10 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Wait until they find out about the Gorilla Death Tax</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Dale</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@not-dale-c.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:11 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Why stop there? Gorilla-therapy to address the existential dread? Gorilla EOL support groups?</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Fabritzio Fabricato (Satire)</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@produkshun.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:16 PM</span>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Antoine 0.619 FemtoSiriomètres</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@2lieues.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:17 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">He*</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Raised by Voles</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@raisedbyvoles.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:37 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Scientists or Sunday school teachers?</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Zecret</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@zecretzquirrel.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 08:10 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">I really like their glue and tape.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Gertie62301</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@frostjanet6.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 10:36 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Ok, so what is the purpose of teaching the gorilla that someday it will die??? I think it's cruel to do that. 🤬🤬🤬</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">DougieLombax🩷💜💙 (Dougie/Adrienne/Zeek/not my real name) 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🇮🇪🇦🇲🇺🇦</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@dougielombax.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 4, 06:37 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Don’t worry this is satire.
It’s brutal but it didn’t actually happen.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Ferg Turduson</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@turdferguson101.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 4, 04:48 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">I know this is satire but good god</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">jadedracer.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@jadedracer.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:18 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Is that Jane Goodall</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Maddy B. Hare</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@mbhare.eurosky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:13 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">old school classic</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Justin</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@shanksponywv.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:06 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Still got no soul. Next.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Jana</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@janagrams.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:16 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Can these scientists take the next step and teach Trump voters that are not actually geniuses? Every MAGA I’ve met doesn’t have the ability to recognize their own stupidity.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Darren Zeraus</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@darrenzeraus.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:27 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">I was pretty sure that gorillas know they will die. I think it was Koko who told people in sign language that gorillas can feel it and separate themselves from their group to lay in a hole. I COULD be misremembering that, but I'm pretty sure that exchange happened.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Dave Donth🇺🇸</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@davedonth.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 08:26 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">I remember something about that too. They explained to Koko what mortality means and that she was mortal too and it made her sad.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">alarod.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@alarod.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:50 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">And now the poor gorilla is experiencing angst and reading Jean-Paul Sartre.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">ChofuAlum</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@chofualum.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 10:44 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">..... sad commentary on US culture in 2026 that this *could have* been true and not The Onion.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Rob Hughes</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@huzee.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:26 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Gorilla: &quot;Damn! Dian Fossey never mentioned any of this&quot;</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">irondoghiker.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@irondoghiker.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:34 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">Die.</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">OLD CRIED PANTS</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@captainfartpants.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:27 PM</span>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">Dennis Moore @dennismoore.org</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@dennis-moore.org</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:30 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">gorilla say &quot;you first&quot;</p>
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<span class="text-xs font-bold text-slate-300">alarod.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[10px] text-slate-500">@alarod.bsky.social</span>
<span class="text-[9px] text-slate-600">· Jul 3, 05:51 PM</span>
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<p class="text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words">“You told me I’m gonna die, then I ran out of the zoo and became a Christian Scientist.”</p>
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&lt;span class=&quot;text-xs font-bold text-slate-300&quot;&gt;Dennis Moore @dennismoore.org&lt;/span&gt;
&lt;span class=&quot;text-[10px] text-slate-500&quot;&gt;@dennis-moore.org&lt;/span&gt;
&lt;span class=&quot;text-[9px] text-slate-600&quot;&gt;· Jul 3, 05:56 PM&lt;/span&gt;
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&amp;lt;span class=&amp;quot;text-[10px] text-slate-500&amp;quot;&amp;gt;@alarod.bsky.social&amp;lt;/span&amp;gt;
&amp;lt;span class=&amp;quot;text-[9px] text-slate-600&amp;quot;&amp;gt;· Jul 3, 11:23 PM&amp;lt;/span&amp;gt;
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&amp;lt;p class=&amp;quot;text-xs text-slate-350 leading-relaxed break-words&amp;quot;&amp;gt;“It’s enough to make me sign up for more graduate classes!”&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;
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