"The wood spider is the most accomplished of all web building species. Recently, scientists gave these tiny creatures a variety of psychoactive drugs to observe their effects on web building. When given a minute dose of LSD, the spider's web took on an unfamiliar, minimalist structure. When given caffeine, the web's structure was not affected, but the spider's behavior was. In THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, the spider didn't build a web. It built a hammock, where it lay all day and watched the caffeine spider go. When given alcohol, the spider built a web, found a mate, and raised over a hundred young. But the mate got a restraining order, and now the spider can't go within a hundred centimeters of the web. The crack cocaine spider figured building webs was for suckers, waited till the caffeine spider was exhausted, then came up behind it and popped a cap in its ass. Nice web, Mr. Crack Spider. When winter came, the marijuana spider had no place to live. It ended up in the crack web as the crack spider's bitch. For more information on the crack spider's bitch, contact the Canadian Wildlife Service in Ottawa."