"Violent diarrhea, Mitch McConnell's last fall, and a heatwave that's scorching the nation. I'm Lucifer Morienstarr and this is Hell on Earth. We're currently experiencing a heatwave here in the United States. You're welcome. With the potential of hitting 110 degrees, health experts warned that these temperatures could be particularly deadly and dangerous to the elderly. In other news, Donald Trump would like to give a very, very long speech this July 4th weekend despite the heat index. Again, you're welcome. Donald Trump has also disclosed that this year he's made over a billion dollars in Bitcoin. Fantastic news because he can now pay the woman that he sexually assaulted, the millions of dollars the court says he owes her. Mitch McConnell has fallen. Again. But this time, he might not begin back up. McConnell was found unconscious and unresponsive last month and since then has spent the last several weeks hospitalized. Many have wondered, is he dead? Can't confirm, he's absolutely not. Because baby, if he was, I'd be the first motherfucker to know. His soul's gonna be sucked down here harder than Lindsey Graham at PrideFest. Speaking of absolute shit shows, a food-borne parasite known to cause explosive and violent diarrhea has found its way into 17 states. If I have my way, it'll find its way into all 50 states plus DC before the July 4th weekend. Nothing says, happy birthday America, but the smell of your trashy neighbor's fireworks and hot, hot shit. And finally tonight, two people decided to climb the Empire State Building, dressed like Batman and Catwoman, which would normally be pretty badass, but apparently is for a proposal, which is, I mean, that's honestly pretty gay. I'm Lucifer Morningstar and this was Hell on Earth. Don't forget to dance in the flames, baby."